Read If You Are A MarySue Hater
by jamc91
Summary: I've read too many Mary-Sue fics. Read and Review!


(A/N: I got this idea from reading a lot of Mary-Sue fics. Most of them were Parody/Humor. This is just Humor.  
  
Anyway, enjoy!)  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, except for me, if you know what I mean. Sian belongs to herself. Tanya also belongs to herself.  
  
Description: A short ficcy about one Mary-Sue we all know and hate. Well maybe not ALL hate, but most. Like 99.99%. The other 0.009% might sort of like Mary-Sues. The last 0.001% might love Mary-Sues.  
  
Anyway, Mary-Sue haters might like this.  
  
On with the show!  
  
READ IF YOU ARE A MARY-SUE HATER  
  
Jamie, Sian, Tanya, and the rest of the Hogwarts population were dining in the Great Hall after the Sorting. Ron was stuffing his face, as usual. Harry was also stuffing his face, as usual. Hermione was taking small bites per five seconds and glancing at Ron and Harry every so often with disgust, as usual. Jamie was taking medium bites, as usual. Sian was minding her manners, as usual. Tanya . . . well, I don't really know how she eats so let's ignore that part.  
  
Jamie glanced up at the ceiling for some reason and commented, 'Sure is stormy tonight.' The sky was a . . . stormy grey and lightning flashes illuminated the Great Hall every half-minute or so.  
  
'Ymph,' said Ron, his mouth full.  
  
'What?' said Tanya.  
  
'Yumph,' Ron repeated.  
  
'What?' Tanya asked again.  
  
Ron gave a huge swallow.  
  
Then he stuffed his mouth full of chicken. (A/N: I bet you all expected him to answer clearly, did you? HA!)  
  
'What?!' Tanya persisted.  
  
Sian rolled her eyes.  
  
Jamie continued eating.  
  
Suddenly, the doors burst open. The lightning chose then to flash, illuminating the figure with a dark, mysterious glow.  
  
'I'm sorry I'm late,' said the figure. It was a girlish voice, just like a Mary-Sue's voice would sound. But this girl couldn't be a Mary-Sue, could she? The students had never seen her before. Unless . . .  
  
'Oh, no,' Tanya, Jamie, and Sian groaned simultaneously.  
  
Ron swallowed again and asked, 'What?' before helping himself to another three turkey drumsticks.  
  
Tanya, Sian, and Jamie then proceeded to explain. However, no one could hear a single thing they said, due to the loud thunder from outside (the doors were still open).  
  
Sian realized this first. She stopped Jamie and Tanya and yelled to the girl, 'Could you close the doors, please? I can't hear myself think!'  
  
'Sorry,' said the girl apologetically. She turned, closed the doors, shutting out the thunder, and turned back to face the students of Hogwarts, allowing them a clear view of her.  
  
Oh, such perfect blonde hair! The likes of which had never been seen ---  
  
Ahem.  
  
Malfoy had apparently been listening to the narrator, me, and had interrupted. The narrator glared at him and corrected herself.  
  
Fine, then. Except Malfoy.  
  
She went on to describe the girl with perfect blonde hair.  
  
Oh, such perfect grey eyes! Such perfect eyes had never been ---  
  
Ahem. Malfoy again.  
  
The narrator calmed herself.  
  
Except Draco, she said through gritted teeth, obviously nettled.  
  
She continued.  
  
Such perfection had never ---  
  
Ahem.  
  
The narrator had had enough.  
  
WILL YOU QUIT INTERRUPTING ME?! she yelled at Malfoy. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT! YOU WERE NEVER PERFECT AND YOU WILL NEVER BE PERFECT! she screamed. NOW SHUT UP!  
  
You freaking idiot, she added, as an afterthought.  
  
Annoyed at the interruptions, she continued.  
  
The girl spoke.  
  
'Hello everyone!' she said sweetly. 'My name is Mary-Sue!'  
  
Sian, Jamie, and Tanya proceeded to scream. No one heard them, though. Everyone was talking excitedly about Mary-Sue, except the Gryffindors, who were thinking of screaming. They'd all heard tales of these dreaded Mary- Sues, even Nearly Headless Nick. Even the Fat Lady. In fact, almost everyone in Hogwarts had heard them, but nobody, except the Gryffindors, Nearly Headless Nick, the Fat Lady, and the portraits had believed them.  
  
'I'm so delighted to be here!' Mary-Sue continued. 'I'm sure we'll all be very good friends!'  
  
'Yes,' said Dumbledore from the teachers' table. 'Professor McGonagall?' he said to the woman beside him. McGonagall got up immediately and fetched the Sorting Hat. She put it on Mary-Sue's head, not bothered about all that singing and 'Please sit on the stool' stuff.  
  
'GRYFFINDOR!' the Hat yelled.  
  
Every single Gryffindor groaned, even Nick. Even Professor McGonagall, though she did it very discreetly. Mary-Sue appeared not to have heard them. She bounded happily to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Jamie, who was by far the most tolerable of Mary-Sues among the Gryffindors.  
  
'Hi!' said Mary-Sue cheerfully. By now every single male's eyes were on her, except for the teachers.  
  
'Hi,' said Jamie unenthusiastically. Mary-Sue, again, appeared not to have noticed the lack of enthusiasm in Jamie's reply.  
  
'What's your name?' she asked.  
  
Tanya, for lack of anything better to do, was rubbing the side of her goblet with her wet finger, trying to see if she could make music.  
  
Suddenly, there was a poof of very fine silica dust (A/N: Why silica dust, you ask? You'll see later . . . keep in mind this poof of very fine silica dust. It will help you understand this later) which traveled all over the Gryffindor table. Mary-Sue, however, unlike the rest of the Gryffindors, who coughed, didn't seem to notice.  
  
The poof disappeared, revealing a genie wearing a sun hat, sunglasses, shorts, and a T-shirt saying, 'Hawaii or bust!'  
  
Tanya blinked.  
  
The genie blinked back. Then he said, 'Yo dude . . . ette! Wassup?'  
  
Tanya shook her head. This was not happening.  
  
'How did you GET here?'  
  
'Oh yeah, that,' said the genie. 'See, I totally have to answer the call of anyone who rubs this totally cosmic goblet when it holds exactly one- sixteenth of an inch of liquid, dudette,' he explained, pointing at Tanya's goblet. 'Cosmic, huh?'  
  
Tanya blinked again.  
  
Suddenly the genie yelled, 'Die all you dudes! DIE! Peace out!' making a peace sign with his fingers before proceeding to laugh evilly.  
  
Sian leaned over to Tanya. She whispered, 'I know what that is. That's a very rare, one-of-a-kind, Gothic Hippie Genie!'  
  
'Gothic Hippie?' Tanya repeated in disbelief.  
  
Meanwhile, Mary-Sue was still chatting animatedly while Jamie tried to ignore her.  
  
On Tanya's side, the genie revealed, 'I will grant you one wish each! Sweet, huh?'  
  
'Yay!' said Tanya.  
  
'What about Jamie?' said Sian.  
  
'Oh, she can have a wish too,' said the genie, waving a careless hand. 'So, what'll it be, dudes? Death? Terror? Destruction?'  
  
'Bubble gum?' he added.  
  
'Ooh, ooh, me first!' said Tanya, bouncing up and down in her seat. 'Pick me, pick me!'  
  
'Yes, you there, Sian, was it?'  
  
'Yeah,' said Sian. 'I wish for five more wishes.'  
  
'Sorry, dudette,' said the genie. 'No cigar. That's one wish wasted.'  
  
'What?' cried Sian indignantly. 'WHY?'  
  
'Section three, chapter nineteen, paragraph C, rule number twenty-two of the One and Only Handy-Dandy Gothic Hippie Genie Automatic Manual . . . Thing,' he said, whipping out a thick, red velvet, dusty book, 'clearly states that no ---'  
  
'All right, all right!' said Sian. 'I don't want to be read to from some boring old manual.'  
  
'What?' said the genie, slightly miffed. 'The One and Only Handy-Dandy Gothic Hippie Genie Automatic Manual . . . Thing is totally un-boring, man! In fact, it's totally cosmic! It's totally sweet! It's the one and only . . .' he tapped out a drum roll on the table, 'One and Only Handy-Dandy Gothic Hippie Genie Automatic Manual . . . Thing!'  
  
'Whatever,' said Sian, turning back to her dinner.  
  
'If you don't believe me dude, read it yourself! It's totally cosmic!' said the genie, tossing the book to her.  
  
Sian glanced at it and threw it over her shoulder, hitting Malfoy right on the noggin. The narrator cheered her on.  
  
'Now what do you want, little dudette?' said the genie, turning to Tanya.  
  
'Ooh, ooh! I wish, I wish, um . . .' she stopped. The genie waited fifteen seconds, snapped his fingers, and the handbook flew back to him.  
  
'Sorry again, man,' said the genie. 'But section four, chapter fifteen, paragraph E, rule number nine of the One and Only Handy-Dandy Gothic Hippie Genie Automatic Manual . . . Thing cosmically says that ---'  
  
'Fine,' Tanya huffed. 'I get it. Another wish wasted, right? Well then, I'll just sit here in silence, contemplating this for a moment, before I KICK YOUR BUTT!' she screamed, leaping out of her seat.  
  
But with a snap of his fingers, the genie disappeared. Tanya mercifully landed on her feet and not on her butt. 'You watch your back,' she growled, returning to her seat.  
  
Mary-Sue was still boring Jamie with her endless chatter.  
  
The genie appeared again, this time behind Mary-Sue. Jamie didn't notice.  
  
'I wish Mary-Sue would catch pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and die,' she mumbled to herself. (A/N: Yes, it is a word. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, it means 'A factious word alleged to mean 'a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust,' but occurring chiefly as an instance of a very long word.')  
  
The genie grinned, wiggled his ears, and disappeared again.  
  
Jamie's wish was granted.  
  
Mary-Sue suddenly coughed once or twice and dropped to the floor.  
  
Jamie jumped up and took her pulse. One minute later, she dropped Mary- Sue's wrist.  
  
'Well?' said Sian anxiously. 'What's the verdict?'  
  
Jamie broke into a huge grin. 'SHE'S DEAD!'  
  
'She's dead!'  
  
'She's dead!'  
  
'She's dead!'  
  
These two words echoed around the Great Hall.  
  
The Gryffindors looked at each other in shock. The Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs did the same. Then suddenly the Gryffindor's expressions changed to ones of manic glee.  
  
'SHE'S DEAD!'  
  
'WOO HOO!'  
  
'WE DID IT, WE DID IT, OH YEAH YEAH YEAH . . .'  
  
The last cheer was from Tanya, Sian, and Jamie.  
  
'WE DID IT, WE DID IT, OH YEAH YEAH YEAH, NO MARY-SUES TONIGHT, WOO! MARY- SUES TONIGHT. NO NO NO MARY-SUES TONIGHT WE FINALLY KILLED HER!' they sang, before giving each other high-fives and whooping.  
  
The Slytherins, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws finally understood that all the tales about the Mary-Sues had to be true, for even the teachers, even Professor McGonagall were cheering!  
  
They joined in.  
  
'WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!' they screamed.  
  
'YAY!!!' they shouted.  
  
'LET'S GO CELEBRATE!' they yelled.  
  
So they did, in their respective common rooms. The Gryffindors got the most of a party, as Tanya, Sian, Jamie, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had gone to Honeydukes for a few refreshments and such. And a couple of hundred Butterbeers, too. It had been quite a job getting back to the common room, but they managed, with the help of the Shrinking Charm.  
  
All other sorts of partying things were done. Some people even put up a plaque on the doors of the Great Hall. It read:  
  
'WE GOT RID OF MARY-SUE! BOW DOWN TO THE CLASS OF 2004!'  
  
Future generations of students never exactly understood why the plaque was there, or even what it meant. All they knew was that they had to bow down to it at least once a day, or two arms with the house colors on it would reach out, grab your neck, and proceed to strangle you until you either choked out that you were eternally sorry and deserved to burnt at the stake for such a deed and then bow down to the plaque ten times, or suffocate. If you suffocated, then the on the plaque, eyes would appear and glance down at the body. Then the eyes would be replaced by a mouth, which would whistle aimlessly for about a minute before disappearing.  
  
The suffocating, however, was only temporary. After about two minutes after the mouth disappeared, the person who had been suffocated would get up and proceed to the Great Hall like nothing had happened. No one remembered it, either. But the victim would always have this strange feeling like a pair of hands grabbing their throat gently whenever they passed the plaque. And they'd never forget to bow down again.  
  
Back to the present.  
  
In the Gryffindor common room, the Gothic Hippie Genie appeared again. Tanya saw this, and started towards him. The genie shook a finger at Tanya. He turned to Jamie.  
  
'You know that cosmic wish you muttered under your breath when Mary-Sue was finally reaching the end of your tether?'  
  
'You mean that wish? The wish where I wished that Mary-Sue would catch pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and die? Yeah, I remember.'  
  
The genie just grinned.  
  
Realization dawned on Jamie.  
  
'You mean you granted my wish? Cool!' said Jamie. 'Thanks!' she added, gratefully.  
  
'No prob, man,' said the genie. 'Just doing my totally sweet job. Toodles!' he said.  
  
The genie disappeared, and as he did, the Gryffindors would have sworn they heard the faint voice of the genie saying, 'Die all you dudes! DIE! Peace out, man!'  
  
THE END  
  
(A/N: Well, did you like it? Weird, I know, but I was making it up as I went along. I know there's not much Goth to the genie, but I couldn't really think of anything to fit in. It just didn't seem exactly right in most places.  
  
Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! Now REVIEW! Whee!) 


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